Cooperific Cliffhangers
by Meowing Goats
Summary: Every chapter is a cliffhanger in the world's worst Sly Cooper fanfiction.
1. A Shocking Discovery

Sly slid along the ropes that were tied from rooftop to rooftop in Venice. He stopped when he caught sight of Inspector Carmelita Montoya Fox, walking around.  
"Where is that no-good, rotten Cooper..." She mumbled, and Sly snickered.  
She whipped around, but saw nothing and shook it off.  
Sly continued on his way and got back to the hideout. Looking over his shoulder, his left then his right, he went in.  
Suddenly, he froze.  
He dropped his cane, paralyzed in horror at the sight of what he saw.

"SSSSSSLLLY! I-IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!"  
"Sly, jump and press the circle button and help me; Murray's dinging me really hard!"  
Sly clutched his head and screamed in terror before running out.  
"Sly!"  
"HEEEY SLYYYYY HERE COMES THE CABOOSE"  
Sly ran madly, looking down at the ground, and ran straight into Camelita.  
"Dios mio! You must be stupid or have amnesia, ringtail, running into-" She stopped when Sly cowered behind her and clung to her jacket.  
"Please, please just take me to jail or something; get me AWAY FROM MY BIG HIPPO FRIEND"  
"What's wrong with y-"  
Suddenly, THE MURRAY smashed through the wall.  
"DID YOU DING ME"


	2. A Chase Through Venice

Sly screamed like a girl and Carmelita screamed like a man as Murray stomped towards them.  
"SSSSSSSSLLLLY, YOU ARE NEXT TO BE DINGED"  
Carmelita shakily raised her shock pistol WHICH PACKS A PARALYZING PUNCH and made sure Sly was safe behind her.  
"Back off, hippo! I'm sure ringtail isn't wrestling his sexuality like you!"  
"BE THE BALL" Murray curled up and rolled into Carmelita, who fell over.  
TETANUS.  
Sly cowered in fear against the wall as Murray stood, towering a grand 6 inches over him in height.  
"Caboose."  
Sly screamed again and made a mad dash to get as far away from Murray as physically possible.  
"GET BACK HERE, SLYYYYYYYYYYYY~~"  
Sly grabbed onto a lamppost and started climbing, but was suddenly tugged down like a ragdoll when Murray grabbed his slim ankle and yanked.  
Having lost his boot but miraculously made it out, Sly jumped up and kept running, though sort of awkwardly.  
He ran and ran, but soon tripped. Murray rolled toward him, so in a desperate panic, Sly jumped toward the water. He did his ninja spire jump, but the metal was sharp and cold on his bare foot and he yelped before falling off of the post.  
"SSSSLLY!"  
Luckily, Sly fell into a boat. Or onto it. He bounced up and fell back into the water, his hat staying above the surface as he disappeared.  
Murray grabbed the side of the nearby bridge and lowered himself a bit. He felt Sly panicking under the surface, trying hard to swim up, and his small, delicate blue gloves hand subconsciously grabbed tightly onto Murray's own huge pink fist at the first sign of contact.  
Murray tugged Sly up onto the bridge and reached for the raccoon's cap as the master thief got onto his hands and knees and coughed up the water that had made its way into his lungs; his tail standing stiffly with each cough.  
Murray managed to grab the cap and then pulled himself onto the bridge as well.  
Sly looked up at him, his large brown eyes tender and tearful. Murray gently slipped the cap over Sly's wet hair.  
"I'm gonna ding you so hard."  
Sly's eyes widened in horror.


	3. Ten Second Head-start

Sly leapt up and jumped back.  
"M-Murray.." He stuttered, backing up until his back was pressed up against the building. "Think about this! I-I'm a Cooper! A master thief; not a... a..."  
"S-E-X-Y DINGABLE RACCOON HUNK A MAN?"  
"Y-... w-.. wh-... well I... n-never mind. I'm just gonna run now."  
"I'LL GIVE YOU A TEN SECOND HEAD START, SLLLYY"

"TEN"  
Sly threw down a smoke bomb and ran for his virginity.  
"NINE. EIGHT. SEVEN. SIX."  
Running like a madman, Sly screamed when he ran into one of Octavio's guards. The guard started screaming too.  
"ALTO SOPRANO BASS BASS!"  
"OKAY"  
Sly ran past him.  
"... WAIT, COME BACK! ... DAT RACCOON ARSE WAS FINE..."  
The guard was suddenly dinged by Murray. "HHHEEEEEYY SSLLLLYYY COME BACKKKK!"  
Sly continued to run, but was starting to become fatigued. "Need to... rest..." He looked around in a panic.  
"HALT!" He heard suddenly. He slowly turned.  
"Please don't say something about me being attractive to you."  
"... YOU ARE A VERY..."  
"DON'T."  
"... IF I PAY YOU 100 COINS WILL YOU SLEEP WITH ME?"  
Sly's eye twitched and he scowled, a growl emitting from the back of his slender throat.  
"SSSLLLYY, YOU'RE SO HAWT WHEN YOU'RE ANNOYED!"  
Sly looked up quickly and saw Murray watching from on a roof. "How did you even get UP there?!"  
"I DINGED."  
"I just had to ask."  
"Ringtail!"  
Sly whipped his head around and saw Carmelita, but before he could question how she survived her sudden TETANUS, Murray jumped down and grabbed his tail, yanking him close to his belly and holding him tightly, about to ding him. "CARM, HELP!"  
Carmelita aimed her shock pistol WHICH STILL PACKS A PARALYZING PUNCH and fired. Time seemed to stop for Sly as he noticed the blast was aimed at him. But to his amazement, Murray threw him away to protect his "s-e-x-y Cooper ass" from being electrocuted and was stunned for a few seconds.  
"Come on, ringtail! Let's run away and have babies!"  
"I don't think I wanna 'ding' you, but yes, running away is a swell idea!"  
Sly ran with Carmelita to the dock near the police station.  
Sly panted heavily from fatigue, bent over with his hands on his knees as his tail swished slowly from side to side. "Carmelita... thank you. He woulda dinged me back there if it weren't for you."  
"Oh, it was no problem SSSSSlllllyyyyy."  
"Oh my god no."


	4. A Few Years Earlier

A few years before... (?)  
Sly dropped into the police station from the roof and cautiously walked down the halls. He found the office of Inspector Carmelita Montoya Fox; a vibrant red door in the bland hallway.  
The opened window right beside the door that lead to a fire escape just said "break in, Sly".  
Literally, there was a sign that said that right next to the window. Right next to the blue trail that Sly was pretty certain was just a figment of his imagination and that maybe he was losing his mind.  
He slipped out the window and shimmeyed across to the other open window. He then carefully stepped into Carmelita's office.  
The safe was there, right in front of him! He crouched down next to it.  
"Bentley, do you read? What's the combo?"  
"The combo is I wanna bang you."  
"... Bentley, please."  
"Fine fine." Bentley told Sly the combo, and Sly opened the safe. He pulled out the case file that was marked "Sly Cooper" and grinned.  
"Freeze, Cooper!"  
Sly sighed and stood, turning slowly to face Carmelita Fox, who stood in the window aiming at him her shock pistol WHICH EVEN BACK THEN PACKED A PARALYZING PUNCH.  
"Hello, Carmelita. How nice to see you again."  
"Don't flatter me, the pleasure's all mine."  
Sly raised a brow.  
"... Erm, I mean, all yours. I hate you, ringtail, now put these damn cuffs on so I can trap you against that lamp and feel your fit, raccoon body- I mean, arrest you."  
"... Eh heh heh heh no."  
"Aww..." Carmelita pouted, but shook it off. Suddenly she noticed Sly was gone.  
"What the.."  
She saw the door was open. "MALDITO SEAS, COOPER!"

Sly dived into the truck. Bentley prepared to start driving, but suddenly Sly gasped and looked horrified.  
"What? What's wrong, my handsome raccoon l- I mean friend!?"  
"I-I..."  
"You what?"  
Sly looked at Bentley with the most crushed expression ever; his brown-orange eyes glistening from tears as he put his fingers up to his mouth nervously. "I forgot to leave Carmelita a calling card... Do you think she'll mind?"  
"Oh Sly. You're really sexy, but sometimes I just don't understand you."

"So where are we going first, Bentley?" Sly asked, an innocent smile on his face.  
Bentley blushed a little. Sly was so... *cute* to him. Always had been.  
Alas, unfortunately for poor Bentley, Sly was like a walking love potion for guys.  
Tough guys. Smart guys. Stupid guys. Fat guys. You name it; if it's male, the second it lays eyes on Sly; BAM, it's madly in love with the Cooper descendant.  
Not that Sly approved of this. Oh no, there were times when the poor raccoon cried himself to sleep over it.  
"Bentley?"  
Bentley looked at Sly. The raccoon's smile had faded and in its place was a concerned frown.  
Sly didn't know Bentley *really* had feelings for him. If he did, he'd probably ditch, and Bentley didn't want that, so he just pretended to not have feelings for him. Luckily though when he did slip up and say something implying otherwise, Sly took it as a joke.  
"Uh, oh yeah. Sorry, just thinking about things so the reader(s) will understand more about why everyone's gay for you."  
"Ah, okay. But where are we going?"  
"Oh. We're, uh, going to this swamp-like place so you can steal some pages of the Thievius Raccoonus back from Raleigh."  
"There isn't any chance this Raleigh is a transvestite female."  
"Unfortunately not."  
"Darn."


	5. Sir Raleigh the Frog

Bentley stopped the van on the outskirts of Raleigh's 'headquarters'. He looked back at Sly.  
"Sly, time to-..." He stopped when he noticed Sly had dozed off quietly. He lay on the floor of the van, curled up and clutching his special cane. He breathed quiet, rhythmic breaths and stirred only a little, his ear twitching cutely as his triple-ringed tail slowly tapped the ground occasionally.  
Bentley sighed. "I hate to have to wake him up for _this_, but..." The turtle crouched next to Sly and gently grabbed his shoulder, shaking him carefully. "Sly, Sly, wake up. You have some jumping and circle-button-pressing to do."  
Sly groaned and shifted position a little. "Five more minutes, dad..." He mumbled in a sleepy voice.  
Bentley stared at Sly with pity, as he thought of Sly's slightly butchered backstory for your understanding.  
He didn't know much of it, but from what he knew, Sly had been appealing to men even in his younger years, so Mr. Cooper had sort of hid away with Sly to protect him, when suddenly one night The Homosexual- er, _Fiendish_ Five broke in. This just happened to be the night Sly was supposed to inherit the Thievius Raccoonus, a book passed down from generation to generation of the Cooper family line, what were the odds?  
Anyways, Sly's father apparently hid the poor kid in a closet so the male members of the Fiendish Five wouldn't catch sight of Sly and want to... you know. (SUGGESTING THAT THEY RAPE A KID, WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH ME?)  
The Fiendish Five murdered Sly's father right before Sly's eyes and then tore the book into five sections, taking each section for themselves before leaving little Sly Cooper all alone.  
Sly was forced to go to an orphanage where he met Bentley, who, say, tried to.. 'protect' him from the other boys there.  
"Bentley."  
Bentley snapped out of his thoughts and noticed Sly was now sitting up, staring into the turtle's glasses with drowsy, half-closed and almost disappointed eyes. His body suddenly shook as he let out a loud yawn before he stood.  
"I'm going now." He said, grabbing his cane and opening the van door.  
"Oh, good luck, Sly!"  
"Thanks, Bentley." Sly jumped out of the van and sneakily ran onwards.

Sly crouched down when he saw the first guard on the trail. Of course it was male, so Sly tried to be even sneakier than normal.  
The guard sighed and turned, bumping right into Sly, who just sort of tried to process how badly he'd just fucked up.  
The guard checked Sly out and whistled a bit. "Wow..."  
"Yeah, yeah, I'm 'attractive'. When you hear that from at least one guy you don't know every single day of your thieving life, it gets to be tedious."  
"Will you m-"  
Sly thwacked the guard over the head with his cane and then shoved him into the water and continued on his way.  
All of the other guards practically did the exact same thing, and Sly continued the process of lowering their guard (slightly ironically) and knocking them into the water.  
It didn't take long or even much sneaking to get rid of all of the guards outside and around the main area. "Bentley, what now?"  
"Well, um... Is there really a point to getting keys and stuff?"  
"Not really, this isn't a video game."  
"Well then... Uh... Well, go fight Raleigh, I guess. But be careful, Raleigh has a really long tongue.."  
"OH GREAT, I SEE WHERE _THIS_ IS HEADED."

Sly looked around as he stepped into the room. There was deep, murky water and several large lilypads surrounding a tall yet tiny platform.  
Across from Sly was a chair, in which slept a tiny frog that snored abnoxiously.  
Sly gulped, his face growing serious; this was Raleigh, and if he could get close enough without waking him up, there'd be no risk and he could just grab the pages and book it! So Sly did what he did best.  
He got up onto his toes and crept silently closer. It seemed the only way around to Raleigh was to either swim, which Sly absolutely could not do, or skip quickly and quietly across the lilypads.  
Sly carefully tippy-toed onto the first lilypad. Luckily the water was murky enough that the sound of the movement of the lilypad to accomidate to Sly's weight was feeble.  
The Cooper descendant stretched his leg out and placed it carefully on the next lilypad. He kept doing this until he got close, but soon became cocky and his foot slipped and he started to fall. "AGH!"  
Raleigh awoke with a jolt and looked around in a panic. "Whazzat?! Who!?"  
He looked down and saw the water rippling a little as well as something sitting gently on one of the lilypads; a blue cap.  
"Hm...? Where have I seen that before?"  
He tried hard to think, when suddenly he came to a conclusion; a name.  
Cooper.  
"WHERE ARE YOU, COOPER?! HAVE YOU COME TO TAKE BACK THESE PAGES?" He yelled.  
There was no response and Raleigh looked down at the ripples. There were bubbles arising from beneath the surface.  
"Hahaha, what's wrong, Cooper? Can't swim?" He laughed. "I suppose it'll be fun to beat you with your own moves; get up here!" The frog snapped his tongue under the water and when he felt something, he wrapped his tongue around it and started pulling it up.  
His tongue still out and making his speech odd, he growled "I'm also confused as to how you survived."  
He pulled out the raccoon's hand and hesitated for a moment. "I don't remember your hands being so delicate... Either way." He yanked up hard and pulled the rest of the now-soaked-and-filthy raccoon, who sputtered and gasped for air, clutching tightly onto the Cooper cane in his loose hand, out.  
Raleigh stopped and examined his catch. This wasn't the Cooper he and the Fiendish Five had defeated; this was... perhaps his son? Either way, just looking at the raccoon made his frog heart flutter with passion; with desire! He wasn't sure what did it; the Cooper's hands were small and delicate, his face was so passive-aggressive-looking, his ankles were small and made his cute-yet-possibly-oversized feet stand out, and his torso.. so fit and skinny. Raleigh couldn't decide what he loved more about the raccoon that was now starting to struggle to get his wrist free.  
The raccoon opened his eyes, revealing twinkling bronze spheres as his lips parted a little.  
Raleigh wanted him.

Sly knew the look of lust in Raleigh's eyes even before the frog started breathing heavier, and he didn't like it, not one bit. He continued to smack at the tongue with his cane, but it did nothing. So Sly gulped and used his own tongue to feel how sharp his teeth were.  
Raleigh started to laugh, but the laughs were replaced with a cry when Sly chomped down hard enough on the frog's tongue to make it bleed. Raleigh dropped Sly, who landed on one of the lilypads and almost made himself puke trying so hard to spit and cough up Raleigh's slobber and blood.  
Raleigh examined his wounded tongue before chuckling a little. "So you like it like that, Cooper. Kinky."  
Sly stood shakily and slipped on his cap. "J-just give me the pages."  
"No can do, Cooper."  
Sly growled a bit. "Then I'll fight you for them!"  
"I don't want to fight you, Cooper."  
"Then wh-..." Sly trailed off, since he already knew the answer.  
He was being demanded to prostitute himself for the pages of the Thievius Raccoonus. But, being as cunning, devious... and, well, sly as he was, Sly had an idea and just hoped it wouldn't backfire.  
He let a devilish grin cross his face as his tongue gently rubbed against his front teeth. "Okay then, Raleigh. We'll play it your way, however you *like* it." He jumped back a bit onto the further lilypads. "Come on and show me what you're made of!"  
Raleigh giddily jumped onto the middle platform and prepared to pounce onto the much taller raccoon.  
"But first!"  
Raleigh stopped and sighed. "Whaaat?!"  
Sly hoped Raleigh was as stupid as he sounded. "I just think, you know, that... this would be better if you were a little bigger."  
"What's that supposed to mean?!"  
"Well, I'm so much taller than you..."  
"So?!"  
"It'll just be a little awkward for me."  
"Does it matter?"  
"Can't you just find a way to make yourself larger? Don't you wanna really..." Sly paused for a second, having trouble getting the next word out. His voice cracked when he finally managed to say it. "... pleasure me?"  
Raleigh seemed convinced. "Aww, fine."  
Sly snickered quietly and expected Raleigh to leave, but was startled when the frog only snapped out his tongue and ate a fly. The frog then proceeded to bloat up to Sly's size, or maybe even a little taller, and Sly realized he'd made a horrible mistake.  
"Freeze, both of you!"  
Sly turned and completely disobeyed the order of Carmelita, diving toward her and skittering behind her to hide. The fox raised a brow and slammed handcuffs on him.  
"N-no, wait, take these off!"  
"No way, ringtail."  
"You don't understand, h-he..!"  
Carmelita shoved Sly down. "If you want those cuffs off at all, you'll stay right there."  
Clumsily Sly sat up, his legs spread apart a little, and Raleigh smirked. He snapped his tongue out and it went through Carmelita's legs before the tip slammed Sly right in the groin. The raccoon's grey face seemed to turn red as his mouth opened in shock and he tried to kick the tongue away or at least scoot back.  
Carmelita stomped on the tongue with her heavy tan boots where Sly had bit it, and it retreated back into Raleigh's mouth. Carmelita then shot at Raleigh with her shock pistol WHICH PACKS A PARALYZING PUNCH EVEN TO THIS VERY DATE, and the frog convusled with electricity. However, aware that it wouldn't last very long, Carmelita quickly fumbled with her keys, trying each on Sly's cuffs.  
"Hurry!"  
"Maldita sea al infierno! Estas esposas putos de mierda!" Carmelita yelled to herself and she continued to struggle; none of the keys worked. "It's no use, Cooper; I must have lost the keys!"  
"WHAT?!"  
Carmelita wrapped her arm around Sly's waist, lifting him over her shoulder as she started running.  
Raleigh shook his head and got up, starting to run after them.  
"Wait, WAIT!" Sly yelled.  
"What do you want to wait for, Cooper?! He just tried to molest you!"  
"I need the pages from him!"  
"Pages? Pages of what? What could possibly be so important?!"  
"My family's book, the Thievius Raccoonus! Raleigh and four others killed my father and stole the book, tearing it into five chunks and splitting up; I _need_ those pages!"  
Carmelita growled in annoyance, but gasped soon afterwards; the storm outside was extremely intense, and going outside wasn't an option unless they wanted to get sucked into a hurricane.  
Carmelita turned when she heard Raleigh approaching and laughing.  
They were doomed.


	6. I Can Beat This Storm

Sly squirmed to break free from Carmelita's hold, but it was no use; Carmelita was holding him with an iron grip.  
Raleigh appeared from around the corner with a huge grin, but suddenly he coughed and shrank.  
Carmelita and Sly both stared with unreadable expressions as Raleigh tried to smile innocently. The fox and the raccoon looked at each other and nodded, both having formed between each other an unspoken plan.  
Holding his cane tightly in both cuffed hands, Sly was held up by Carmelita. His tail curled down in-between his legs and thus protecting himself, and Carmelita threw him forward just enough that his cane hit Raleigh over the head. The frog stumbled, his hat crumpled, and Sly used the cane to help himself stand before pointing the cane threateningly at Raleigh.  
"Where are the pages?"  
"I don't know what you're talking about!"  
"Where are the pages?!" Sly raised the cane, threatening to beat the frog up some more.  
Raleigh pointed wildly. "Behind the chair! In a safe!"  
"What's the combo?!"  
"I don't know!"  
Sly grumbled. "Whatever, I'll crack it."  
"With one hand?" asked Carmelita.  
Sly looked back at her. "It'll be difficult, but it's do-able."  
"Just like you.." Raleigh purred. Sly hit him a few more times with the cane before Carmelita cuffed him as well.  
Sly turned to walk back to find the safe, but Carmelita called him back.  
"Hang on, ringtail!"  
He turned again.  
Carmelita checked the pocket on her jacket above her right breast and pulled out a key.  
"... So you knew where the key was the entire TIME?!"

Bentley waited in the van, worried about Sly. The storm outside sounded insanely powerful. If Sly had already stepped outside with the pages...  
"Aww, where is he...?"  
He'd already tried reaching Sly through the Binocucom, but there had been no signal for some reason.  
"What if he's hurt? Or if Raleigh..." Bentley trailed off, unable to imagine what Sly would be experiencing if the latter were the case. He sat in front of the computer in the van and clasped his hands; praying that Sly was okay.

Sly tried to crack the safe open, not paying any mind to the fact that Carmelita was right behind him, swinging the cuffs around her finger and holding Raleigh's mouth shut with her boot.  
"Hurry it up, Cooper. I don't have all day."  
Sly didn't respond, too focused on cracking the combo. Soon there was a brief click and Sly's face brightened with a pleased smile. Carmelita blushed a little; Sly looked cute when he smiled.  
Sly pulled the safe open and pulled out some pages. "Yes, this is it!" Still smiling, he reached into his red backpack and pulled out a calling card, placing it in the safe and slipping the pages into the backpack.  
He stood and looked at Carmelita, his smile fading. Carmelita's face grew more serious as well, at least until Sly smirked.  
"Thanks for the assistance, Inspector." He snickered.  
"You're not getting away, Cooper. I'm taking you to my offi- jail, I mean."  
He stepped closer to her, making her freeze. He then wagged his blue-gloved index finger in front of her face, his other hand on his hip. "I don't think so. I still have the other four chunks of the Thievius Raccoonus to collect."  
Carmelita tried to quickly cuff him, but he used his cane to smack her hand, making her drop the cuffs, and he started running. She aimed her shock pistol WHICH PACKS A PUNCH THAT IS PARALYZING at him. "If you so much as step outside you'll be swept away!"  
He looked back at her and winked before diving outside.  
"COOPER!"


	7. Muggshot the Gangsta Bulldog

Bentley continued to sit anxiously in the getaway van, worried like a parent about Sly.  
"Sly knows I'm not brave enough to go save him..." Bentley murmured. "... But... I can change that!"  
He stood to go off an rescue Sly from the clutches of the evil Raleigh when suddenly his mission was crushed when the van door quickly opened and closed, Sly slipping in. The raccoon looked like he'd rolled down a cliff just without the injuries; his hair was a complete mess and the strings on his mask.. one drooped over his head and the other was stuck on his face. He stared wide-eyed at Bentley, but with a slightly agressive poker face. "DRIVE. **NOW**." He demanded.  
"A-alright, Sly!" Bentley ran through the door and to the wheel and started driving away to get out of Wales.  
Sly walked in soon afterwards, still looking like a mess, but now with his hat on. He sat on the passenger's seat as though he were only sitting down for a moment. Bentley glanced over at the raccoon. He looked grungy, a layer of dirt and sludge of some kind covering him. He had a little blood on his lower lip, and he looked petrified.  
"... Sly, are you okay?"  
"Just focus on driving, Bentley." Sly did seem to lounge a bit though, leaning back on the seat, placing his feet up on the dashboard and tilting his hat down a bit.  
".. Did you get the pages?"  
"Wouldn't have left without them."  
Bentley was getting a little worried by Sly's quick, bitter responses, but decided to leave the raccoon alone for a while. It did seem like Raleigh gave him hell, but the fact that he was here was a positive sign that Sly had returned the favor.

After going back to Paris for a couple days, Sly and Bentley got back into the van together.  
"What'd you learn from the pages, Sly?"  
"The pages were from Rioichi Cooper. I learned a little trick he called the Ninja Spire Jump."  
"Oh cool, jump and press the circle button and show me."  
Sly looked around. "There's no glowing blue aura around anything here. Can't do it here."  
Bentley stuttered for a moment.  
"Dirty mind, Bentley."  
"Ah, yes, sorry."  
Bentley got settled in the driver's seat and Sly rode shotgun.  
"So where are we headed this time?" Sly asked.  
"Mesa City, in the US."  
"Hm. Who's there now?"  
"Muggshot. He's this big, stupid dope with huge muscles on his arms but tiny legs."  
"Great, another freak... Why can't I just fight someone normal? ... Scratch that, I'd rather not fight anyone..." Sly sighed and sat more casually.

Soon they made it to Mesa City and Bentley stopped the van.  
Sly got up and hurried out before Bentley could say a word and snuck in.  
This time around, Sly somehow managed to get to his foe without alerting anyone. He thought of that as an achievement.  
He walked carefully into what had to be Muggshot's room and saw some mirrors as well as Muggshot shi-sitting in a throne similar to Raleigh's.  
Muggshot looked at the Cooper descendant and his jaw dropped. "WOW! WHO EIAR YOU?!"  
"I'm Sly Cooper. You must be Muggshot."  
"EIAR YOU HEER TO BE MAI LUVER?"  
"No!"  
"TOO BAD, BECAUSE YOU ARE NAO." Muggshot fired two guns at Sly.  
The raccoon just barely dodged. "Wh-h-hey!"  
Muggshot got up onto his knuckles and stomped- rather, punched-the-ground toward Sly. "COME HEER AND GIVE MUGGSHOT A HUGGG"  
Sly accidentally bumped into each individual mirror as crystals randomly popped up from the ground. "STAY AWAY FROM ME, Y-YOU DOG!" His shoulder hitting each mirror, they flipped around and soon the light reflected off of the mirrors and somehow hit Muggshot, frying his guns like overcooked bacon.  
"MAI BYEOOOTIFULL GUNS ARE DEESTROYEED!" He sobbed. "GOOD THING I HAVE A SPARE UPSTAYRS."  
Muggshot took a random elevator up to the next floor, and Sly jumped onto one across from him, being practically thrown up. He did the same thing until Muggshot's guns were fried and again he jumped onto an elevator and went up, this time to the chandelier.  
Sly followed and jumped on the edges. Muggshot watched Sly intently, planning to shoot the Cooper in the arm or something to make him fall so he could have his way with him. Sly's eyes narrowed and he was able to smack most of the mirrors before suddenly he missed using his Ninja Spire Jump.  
He was going to fall and get screwed.


	8. Mz Ruby the Crocogator

Sly screamed and tried to fight gravity, surprisingly succeeding and landing back on the edge of the chandelier.  
"Wat da?" Muggshot raised a brow.  
Sly regained his balance and continued smacking the mirrors until the light again fried Muggshot, who yelped loudly. Sly jumped over.  
"Hand over the pages, Muggshot."  
"No way, Cyoopar! I wanna take a pictcha of you and put it in dere and keep that Thingus Racamagoocus all too mai self!"  
"That's strangely suggestive. Just give me the p-"  
"FREEZE, COOPER!"  
Sly sighed and rolled Muggshot over the edge of the chandelier, letting him fall onto Carmelita.  
TETANUS.  
He jumped down carefully and made it down unscathed. He then found the "Thingus Racamagoocus" in Muggshot's pocket and put the pages into his backpack to read later. He gently placed a calling card on Muggshot's pants and then started walking as Muggshot cried, the love of his life leaving him without so much as a single "I love you".

Bentley yawned, about to nap, when suddenly Sly walked in.  
"That was quick!"  
"I know right! I just jumped and pressed the circle button and bam, he was down! ... On Carmelita."  
"WAIT WHAT"  
"It's true, but not in that dirty sense."  
"So, are we going to go back to Paris?"  
"Not this time."  
"Huh?"  
"We're going straight to... who and where?"  
"Mz. Ruby, in Haiti."  
"Yeah."  
Sly sat down in the passenger's seat again, leaving Bentley to drive as usual.  
Bentley drove them to a swamp and Sly didn't seem very pleased.  
"This place reminds me of Raleigh. I'm gonna get this over with just like Muggshot."  
"Good luck, Sly!"  
When the raccoon walked out, Bentley's eyes saddened.  
"I love you..." He said, but it was heard by no one, except for the steering wheel.

Sly walked cautiously into the courtyard of Mz. Ruby's hideout.  
He felt especially confident for this fight; Mz. Ruby was quite obviously a female, and she wouldn't try to get Sly to give his body in exchange for the pages.  
It was really foolish of her; there were no guards leading to the place she was most likely to be in. Sly simply waltzed in and landed on what looked like a giant crocodile tooth.  
A fat crocodile who sat on her arse stared at him, her twig-like arms by her ginormous sides.  
"I could feel that Cooper vibe-a comin'!" She purred, and Sly felt relief as her first statement wasn't about his looks.  
"W-"  
"Enough with the 'blah, blah, blah', let's play a little voodoo Simon Says."  
"As long as you'll just give me the pages, sure."  
Mz. Ruby teleported to the far side of the room, and some ugly fucking turtle slid up. Sly jumped onto it, just barely balancing on one foot, and waited.  
"DIG DIG DIG!" Mz. Ruby chanted and fired three pink squares at Sly.  
"What the..." He repeated her and arched his back and tail with each "dig" to dodge the squares.  
"VOO VOO VOO!" Three triangles.  
Sly repeated her and bent back in a sort of 'take me!' gesture.  
"DA DA DA!" Three circles.  
Sly flung his lower torso back and bent over the circles, just missing them.  
This repeated in a different order for a while, Sly jumping off and hitting her when he got the chance only for her to teleport away, but suddenly he failed to pay attention and was hit by a triangle.  
He flew back and landed on a post, which tore open the back of his blue shirt and hooked onto the thick yellow collar, choking him. He coughed and tried to pull the hem away from his throat, but it was no use.  
Mz. Ruby laughed, fully intent on letting poor Sly Cooper choke to death because of his own failure.


	9. Panda King the Cheese

Sly continued to choke, tugging wildly as the hem of his shirt collar.  
Mz. Ruby watched happily, but decided to check Sly out first. She wished she hadn't, because once she got a real good look at the raccoon, she wanted that blue shirt completely off.  
"OH CCCCCCCHUUMLEY!"  
She stopped, remembering Chumley had suffered a horrible fate just minutes ago.  
"Um..." Incorrectly assuming Sly could swim, she fired an X or two at the post until it fell apart. Sly gasped for air for only a second before disappearing in the water.  
"Come now, Sly, don't try 'ta fool me with nunuvthat 'I can't swim' ruse!"  
However, Sly struggled under the water and couldn't seem to get back to the surface. It was quite pathetic to watch, actually.  
Mz. Ruby bit her claws and began to sweat. She could teleport, yes, but did she really wanna save a Cooper? Even if he was kinda hot...  
Suddenly, in ran Inspector Fox, again surviving her sudden TETANUS. She aimed at Mz. Ruby her shock pistol WHICH YOU KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW THE DRILL. "FREEZE! I know Cooper's here, because it's a scripted event! Where is he?!"  
Frantically and with a look of worry, Mz. Ruby pointed to the water. Carmelita looked and saw Sly struggling very weakly to get to the surface, even trying to paddle up with his tail. She gasped and shoved her shock pistol WHICH YOU STILL GET THE DRILL FOR into God knows where, maybe a hidden back pocket, before diving straight into the swamp water and breast-stroking towards Sly.  
Mz. Ruby watched Carmelita intently; this fox was everything she could want in a partner. A LOVING PARTNER, THAT IS.  
For Mz. Ruby was bi-sexual, but leaning more towards being a lesbian for the Latin Inspector that had just up and burst in.  
Carmelita grabbed Sly and pulled his head above water. He sputtered and clung to her for dear life, and she blushed a little as she started to swim back to dry-ish land.  
Mz. Ruby watched and had an idea. "Why don't BOTH of you play this little game?" Really, she just wanted to see Carmelita's slightly-over-average sized tits jiggle.  
Carmelita looked at Sly. "What's she talking about, ringtail?"  
Sly shakily tried to stand, wobbling on his feet and clutching his chest. "J-just follow my lead."  
He jumped up onto one of the posts and jumped across them until he got to the last one. Carmelita only followed because Sly looked injured, and she just barely balanced on the post behind Sly.  
"Where were we? OH, yes. VOO-DOO!" She fired a triangle and an X at the duo. Sly spun around and grabbed Carmelita by the shoulders, pulling her down and then making her jump onto the post he was on while he jumped back blindly onto a new post behind him. "VOO-DOO!"  
Carmelita gave him a nod, slightly understanding what had to be done, and Sly turned back around.  
"DAT DIG DAT" Circle, square, circle.  
Carmelita copied Sly's graceful movements from side to side to dodge the shapes. "DAT DIG DAT!" Both of them shouted in a slightly off chorus.  
"VOO-DOO!"  
Sly and Carmelita both tilted back and jumped. "VOO-DOO!" Carmelita jumped onto the post Sly had been on as Sly jumped down and thwacked Mz. Ruby with his family cane. The fat alligator teleported away and laughed.  
A bug came down, and seeing that only one person could fit on it, Sly...  
was picked up bridal style by Carmelita, who jumped onto the bug.  
"Wh-what are you doing?!"  
"You're obviously hurt, ringtail. You keep cringing and holding your chest, but you need to get the pages yourself so I'll take you to this criminal!"  
Sly smiled a little. "How strange that someone like you'd be helping me, Ms. Fox."  
She blushed. "Whatever.."  
Mz. Ruby's face flushed a little. That filthy Cooper manwhore was stealing that foxy... fox away from her!  
"DIG DAT DIG!"  
Carmelita dodged and repeated, making sure Sly didn't get touched by the shapes.  
"DAT DIG DAT!"  
Again Carmelita dodged and Mz. Ruby grinned; the fox's tits were jiggling just a little. Now if only she could sink in a hit and make her tit-ER TIGHT top burst.  
"DIG DAT DIG DAT DIG DAT VOO!"  
Carmelita's pretty brown eyes widened and she tried hard to dodge the quick shapes that were flung at her.  
"DAT DIG DAT DIG DAT DIG V-"  
Carmelita was gone.  
"Hmmmmm?"  
Suddenly Mz. Ruby blacked out when Sly's cane slammed into his head. Sly soon followed suit, then crushed under Carmelita's much-heavier arse.  
In a pained daze from Carmelita crushing his wounded chest against his cane, Sly giggled. "Sweet mega jump, Ms. Fox."  
Carmelita got off of him and pulled out her shock pistol WHICH NO LONGER PACKED A PARALYZING PUNCH AT THAT MOMENT IN TIME BECAUSE IT GOT WET, aiming it at him. "Enough sweet talk, Cooper. You're coming home with me- I mean going to jail."  
Sly lifted his upper body off of Mz. Ruby, making his sharp shoulder blades more prominent against the giant tear in his back of his shirt. He brought a leg up more and left the other straight, making Carmelita blush as she inspected the raccoon's fine arse.  
He searched an invisible pocket on Mz. Ruby and from it produced some pages of the Thievius Raccoonus. He smiled again and did his normal routine before standing weakly, leaning heavily on his cane and trembling.  
Carmelita's eyes widened in pity; he'd really been hurt somehow. Considering the way the posts seemed to behave, she could only assume what had hurt him was one of the shapes Mz. Ruby fired. She sighed. "Start running, ringtail."  
"H-hm?"  
"Before the rest of my force gets here I'll tell them I didn't see you this time."  
Sly seemed to study her for a second, as if wondering if he could trust her. He then smiled a sharp-toothed grin. "Thanks, Carm." He then limped off as quickly as he could.

Bentley waited in the van as usual, plotting the route to their next target to preoccupy himself. Sly opened the door and collapsed to the floor of the van, making Bentley jump up and rush to the raccoon's side. He pulled Sly further into the van and closed the door before going back to his side. "Sly, are you okay?!"  
"I think I'm in love, Bentley..." Sly murmured, a faint smile on his face.  
Bentley tuned it out, not realizing what Sly was saying. "Where does it hurt the most?"  
Sly gestured to his chest before fainting. Bentley sighed and tried to make the raccoon comfortable before starting the drive back to Paris.

Along the whole drive, Sly groaned and twitched, swatting at something in a subconscious fit occasionally for he was deep in a horrible nightmare.  
In his nightmare, he was absolutely friendless. He was cornered with no way to escape as he lacked his family's cane, and there were men everywhere. Raleigh, Muggshot, even Bentley; all of them laughed and tried to abuse or flirt with the raccoon. Some even grabbed at him, so he tried to hit them away but to no prevail.  
They treated him like a toy, a sex doll.  
Suddenly, he heard it.  
A deep, mechanical, dark, just-pure-evil voice from behind everyone, but his voice booming over them.  
"I BROUGHT YOU FLOWERS, SLY COOPER. THE SEXIEST COOPER OF THEM ALL. I WILL BE THE ONE TO _POP_. **YOUR**. **_CHERRY_**."  
Sly covered his long ears and screamed, thrashing about and suddenly felt like he was falling.  
He woke up, his chest again hurting him, on the floor of the van; his mouth was still open and his throat was sore from screaming in his sleep.  
The van came to a halt and Bentley ran back to where Sly was in a panic. "Sly, are you okay?! I heard you screaming!"  
Sly looked up and Bentley and bit his lip, which began quivering. "Bentley..." He cried in a quiet, broken voice.  
Bentley sighed and wrapped his arms carefully around the raccoon, holding him close and gently rubbing his back through the tear. "There, there, Sly..."  
Sly wrapped his arms around Bentley, but didn't necessarily hold the turtle. Though he did bury his long muzzle into the turtle's shoulder.

After letting Sly recover for a while back in Paris, the duo got back into the van.  
"Where to now?"  
"Western China."  
"Fun. Know any Chinese?"  
"Let's not go there..."  
"..." Sly sighed with a smirk on his face. "Let's just get going. If we keep this up, it'll only take up about 2 weeks to gather the Thievius Raccoonus."  
So Bentley started up the van and the two managed to drive from Paris to China in a relatively short amount of time considering how far those two locations probably are from each other.  
Sly jumped out of the van and looked around briefly.  
"Good luck, Sly."  
Sly looked back and nodded at Bentley before running off.

After sneaking and beating up guards who wanted to do him, Sly made it up to the top of one of the tallest mountains. He saw a huge, pot-bellied panda in a 'shrine', waiting in the middle and seemingly meditating.  
Sly decided to take a slightly different approach.  
He whistled at the panda that had to be the infamous "Panda King" and waved his cane high above his head. "HHHEEEEY~!"  
Panda King's menacing and kinda ugly eyes opened. He stared at the raccoon who was seemingly flaunting his.. perfect body. He stood, watching the raccoon strut a little closer to the temple.  
"Hey. Maybe you know me a bit." The raccon revealed a cane which Panda King instantly recognized as the cane of the 'notorious Cooper clan'.  
"Have you come for revenge?" He asked, keeping a serious demeanor and trying hard not to give into the raccoon's flirtation.  
The raccoon replied in a sarcastic tone. "Revenge? No, never!"  
"You must want the pages back."  
"I do, actually. That and to make you stop drowing poor villages in snow."  
"Why should you care if I bury a few *worthless* villages in snow?"  
"Because they did nothing to you!"  
"THEY **SHUNNED** ME!" Panda King roared, his fists combusting. In blind anger, Panda King fired a ball of fire toward Sly, hitting a vase. The vase blew up and a shard sliced Sly's face.  
"Ouch!" The raccoon stumbled back and slipped, rolling down the side of the moutain and turning cartoonishly into a ball of snow with a raccoon tail sticking out.  
Panda King gasped and ran to help, but could only watch as the raccoon disappeared in the current of a freezing waterfall.


	10. Where in the World is Sly Cooper?

In a matter of seconds, Sly's plan backfired horribly and he found himself quickly freezing to death and drowning at the same time as he fell down an icy waterfall.  
He wanted to scream for help, but didn't; instead covering his mouth with shaky hands. As he fell down the damn-long waterfall, he struggled to stick his face out from the water and pulled out his Binocucom, calling Bentley.  
"Sly? Sly, what's the matter?" Bentley asked. He noticed the Binocucom was projecting Sly falling pretty fast from some great height. "Sly?!"  
"B-B-Bentley...!" Sly chattered. "N-n-need h-help..!"  
"What's going on, Sly?!"  
Sly tried to push himself out of the current of the waterfall and did so successfully only to start falling faster toward the water below. He held tightly onto the wet Binocucom, it showing Bentley only his curled up legs when he curled into a fetal position to try warming himself.  
"_SLY_!"  
Sly expected to plunge into water, but was surprised when he landed in plush, warm arms. Too cold to care who it was, Sly dropped the Binocucom and was carried away by his savior.  
On the Binocucom, though, Bentley saw that Sly's "savior" had been none other than the Panda King. "No!"  
He growled from worry, hoping Sly would be okay. He really did want to go save Sly, but he and Sly had once had an off-screen discussion; Sly didn't *want* to be saved by Bentley. If Bentley tried to save him, someone'd probably find the van and steal the pages of the Thievius Raccoonus. Plus, Bentley wasn't all that great of a fighter, so if he took the pages with him, he might lose them without even being searched. The turtle just hoped Inspector Fox would show up right on time to save Sly as usual.

Carmelita sat on a chair, listening to some old records. She was _completely_ preoccupied, and even forgot to check the clock. When she did check, she saw she was nearly half an hour late to go to Western China.  
"Mierda!"  
She grabbed her shock pistol WHICH AGAIN PACKED A PARALYZING PUNCH and her dishwater-yellow jacket before rushing out.

It didn't take Sly long to discover he'd been rescued by the Panda King, who barely had a chance to show off his Flame-Fu. He was sat down in the shrine. Panda King soon handed him the pages of the Thievius Raccoonus. "Take them. Your determination is respectable."  
"Thank you." Sly said, pulling out a calling card and giving it to Panda King as he slipped the pages into his backpack; not caring that the pages might get a wet. He stood, chittering from cold. He saw a police helicopter from Paris flying over head and pondered about whether he should stay to see Carmelita or not. He decided against it and ran off, Panda King waving a little.  
Gradually freezing, Sly's limbs were stiff so he could hardly run, but he managed to get back to the van. He opened the door and got in, shivering. "Bentley, let's get out of here!" He called.  
There was no response.  
"Bentley?" Taking off his backpack and holding it in one hand while holding his cane in the other, Sly walked out again hesitantly. He glanced around the side of the van to see if Bentley was maybe working on the engine, and suddenly all he saw was fire as a loud ringing noise took over his ears. He closed his eyes and was thrown back, hitting a 'wall' and then falling mutely to the ground, dropping his backpack but not the cane.

Bentley sat up and rubbed his head, groaning. He opened his eyes and looked for the van. All he saw were the flaming ruins of what had once been the getaway van.  
"Darn!" He remembered, though foggily, what had happened. He'd stepped outside to check the engine to make sure it hadn't frozen over, when suddenly this creature swooped over him. The engine seemed to react to that and suddenly combusted, and shortly after the entire van must have exploded.  
Bentley stood and sighed, thinking about how Sly would take this. He looked to his left and his turtle heart almost stopped.  
Sly's backpack lay slightly tattered in the snow, calling cards scattered and the bag itself open.  
"... S-Sly?"  
There were no pages in the bag, but on top sat a slightly cut-up looking calling card. Bentley hesitantly picked it up and gasped when he flipped it open.  
A message had been carved into it in owl dialect.


	11. I Bet You Didn't See THIS Coming

Sly's eyes slowly fluttered open. He was drenched in sweat and could feel intense heat all around him as he sat up in a daze. He looked around and was a bit shocked to see he was in a cell; the bars made of pure electricity. He stood up in the cell and looked at the rest of his surroundings; making note that the heat was caused by lava.  
"Okay, what kind of sick joke is this, Carm?" He called confidently.  
There was no response.  
"... Bentley?"  
Still nothing.  
"... Raleigh? Muggshot? Mz. Ruby? Panda King? _Anyone_; hello?"  
He jumped a little when he heard a booming voice.  
"AH, SO YOU'RE AWAKE SSSLLLYY."  
Sly gulped. "How do you know my name?"  
"I KNOW A LOT ABOUT YOU, SLLYYYY."  
"Wh-whatever, just let me out!"  
"I HAVE THE PAGES, SLLLY."  
"You what?!"  
"I AM CLOCKWERK."  
Sly's eyes widened. "You..." His ears perked up and his face tightened into a harsh snarl. "GIVE ME THE PAGES AND LET ME GO!"  
Clockwerk laughed and revealed himself. He was a fat pink hippo.  
Sly raised a brow, his body becoming a little limp. "You're... You're not Clockwerk.."  
"OF COURSE I AM, SSSSLLLLYY. I DING CLOCKWERK- I MEAN CONTROL HIM/IT."  
Sly sighed and put a hand on his hip. "Just let me out. If you have the pages, hand 'em over and-" He stopped when the hippo revealed the pages, wagging them teasingly. He tried to reach through the bars with his cane, but the cane inevitably hit the bars and sent a scolding electric charge through Sly's body. He screamed in agony and accidentally dropped the cane, which slid toward the railing, about to go over the edge and into the lava. As soon as he noticed, his hand shot out.  
"_NO_!" He shouted before he pulled back again screaming and clutching his hand.  
Seeing the cane was important to the raccoon, the hippo stopped it and picked it up. Sly looked up at him with pain-filled eyes.  
"GET COMFORTABLE, SSSLYY. YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE."

Carmelita and Bentley sat across from each other in the helicopter. Bentley twiddled his thumbs nervously as Carmelita sat with her arms crossed, her foot bopping impatiently.  
"Mind explaining what happened?" She asked finally.  
"I was getting the van ready when suddenly we were attacked and the van blew up and when I woke up Sly was gone but his backpack was still there and I think he was kidnapped and taken to this volcano in Russia." Bentley blurted.  
"And what gives you _THAT_ idea?"  
"Well, the only person left to attack us would be Clockwerk and he's probably at that volcano, so.. That and a message was written on Sly's calling card in owl dialect."  
"Whatever."  
The two remained in silence.

The pink hippo sat on the chair for what felt like hours. Sly continued to sit where he was, occasionally looking at his hand that had been shocked and burned.  
The hippo wanted to ding Sly in front of his turtle friend, but was growing impatient. Sly seemed to be growing more attractive by the minute and he found himself unable to stop glancing over until he just held his gaze. Sly ignored him.  
"Bentley, where are you...?" The raccoon mumbled to himself.  
"WHO'S BENTLEY?" The hippo tried to seem oblivious.  
Sly looked at him. "Wouldn't you like to know."  
"TELL ME, SSLLYY."  
Sly crossed his arms and huffed. "He's a friend. My... only friend I guess." Sly suddenly put on a depressed look, making the hippo want to hold him.  
And then ding him of course.  
But for the sake of his plan, he didn't.

It had been nearly a whole day, but Bentley had yet to show up. Sly was starting to doze off and squirmed occasionally as his stomach growled, but he refused to sleep. The hippo revealed some food after disappearing for a moment, and tried to give it to Sly.  
Sly looked at the food, looked at the hippo, then pushed the food away. "I don't want to eat what you give me."  
"OH SSLLYY, WHAT DO YA HAVE TO LOSE?"  
Sly's stomach grumbled again and he groaned from indecisiveness; the hippo was right. But he didn't know what had been done to the food.  
Eventually hunger got the better of him and he started scarfing down the food.  
The hippo smirked and just stood there sort of ominously.  
Soon Sly finished and went back to sitting there quietly. "... Thanks."  
"IT WAS NOOO PROBLEM, SSSLLYYY."  
They went back to being quiet, but given some time Sly seemed to grow uncomfortable and extremely fidgety. He sat crosslegged, his right foot tapping the air as he tried to get comfortable, his breathing even becoming fast.  
"ARE YOU _OKAY_, SSSLYY?"  
"I-I don't know..." Sly answered in a breathy voice. "I-I just feel so strange... Like I... I don't know..."  
Soon the raccoon's whole body was trembling with pent-up energy that he couldn't figure out how to flush from his system.  
The hippo soon got closer to the cell and revealed a bottle to Sly, dropping it into the cell. With lightning-fast reflexes, Sly grabbed the bottle and fumbled with it.  
It was a bottle of aphrodisiacs.  
It was empty.  
Sly's eyes widened; he'd been drugged, and with a sexual-behavior-enticing one at that!  
The hippo laughed wholeheartedly and Sly threw the bottle away and curled up, quivering and biting at his finger tips while messing up his hair under his hat with the other hand.  
"MY NAME IS MURRAY BY THE WAY. I SUPPOSE YOU BETTER KNOW MY NAME IF WE'RE GONNA BE DINGING SOON."  
Something in Sly snapped under influence of the drug and he shot up, his eyes wide and almost like spirals in a comically dizzy effect. He grabbed the bars, not giving two fucks that his hands were being burned, and he hopped a little with an eager grin on his face. "DING? DINGING, US? I WANNA DING, LET'S DING NOW. _DINGDINGDING_!" Sly laughed like a crazy person. The drug had turned him on alright, but it also made him _EXTREMELY_ hyper and giddy.  
Murray backed up a bit. "W-WELL, I WOULD AND ALL BUT I WANNA WAIT UNTIL BENTLEY SHOWS UP.."  
"WAIT? WHY WAIT? WHAT'S THE FUN IN WAITING; LET'S DING NOW!"  
"NO, SSSLYY."  
"COMEONCOMEONCOMEONCOMEONCUMO NCOMEON! I DON'T WANNA WAIT, MURRAY, I NEED TO DING SOMETHING RIGHT NOW!"  
"GAAHH..." Murray wanted to ding Sly, he REALLY did, but he wanted to wait for Bentley to make him jealous.  
"Saaaaaaay~." Sly purred. "Is that big red button over there by any chance the button to get rid of these bars?"  
"WHY YE- I MEAN NOPE."  
"Awwwwwwww, that's too bad. Boop!" Sly took off his belt and threw it; somehow it hit the button. The bars for the cell disappeared, revealing Sly's gloves were ruined and his hands were burned almost to the third degree.  
Murray backed up a little as Sly grinned his usual cunning grin but more flirty.  
Before Murray could even turn, Sly was on him, their lips close as Murray could feel Sly's damp fur and body heat against him.  
"I'm gonna ding you so hard, Murray."  
Murray gulped.


	12. Sly Cooper on Drugs

The helicopter finally came to a stop before a treacherous path into the volcano.  
Bentley and Carmelita stepped out of the helicopter and looked at the path they had to traverse together; it looked... long and dangerous.  
"Are you _sure_ he's here?"  
"Of course he's here."  
Carmelita pulled out her shock pistol WHICH WILL FOREVER PACK A PARALYZING PUNCH and her face became more serious. "Then let's save the last living Cooper from extinction."  
Bentley ran after Carmelita and the two made it into the volcano with only a little trouble.  
Bentley and Carmelita looked around the inside of the volcano.  
Suddenly they heard Sly's cries.  
"That's ringtail!" Carmelita was about to run towards them, but Bentley stopped her.  
"Wait! Listen!"  
The cries weren't from pain, at least not as much as they sounded to be from pleasure.  
"I think he's... SLY!" Bentley ran ahead of Carmelita and whipped open a sealed door, effectively skipping two whole levels.  
What he saw though wasn't what he expected, but he wasn't sure if he liked what he actually saw any better than what he thought he'd see.  
With cartoony two-colored spirals in his eyes, Sly stood over a fat pink hippo with his cane raised high above his head.  
Bentley gasped as Sly cried out in pleasure as he brought his cane down on the hippo's head for what must have been at least the 17th time.  
"SLY, STOP!" He pleaded.  
Sly stopped mid-swing and looked ominously at Bentley.  
Bentley froze. What he saw in those probably-imaginary spirals was pure, bloodthirsty, vengeful hate.  
Sly smiled and seemed to become hyper and eccentric all of the sudden. "NICE TO SEE YOU BENTLEY WANNA JOIN ME?"  
"N-no!"  
"WHY NOT?"  
"B-because... Because this isn't right!"  
Sly shot Bentley a glare. "ISN'T RIGHT? SO HIM KIDNAPPING ME AND HAVING INTENT OF RAPING ME IS RIGHT THEN BENTLEY?  
"No, I-I didn't say that..."  
"WELL THEN WHAT DID YOU SAY BENTLEY?"  
"I said that killing someone isn't right!"  
"WHO EVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT KILLING HIM BENTLEY? I JUST WANT HIM TO SUFFER."  
"Sly, what's wrong with you?!"  
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT BENTLEY I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER. I'VE NEVER FELT SO.. IN CONTROL SO POWERFUL!"  
It was becoming increasingly obvious to Bentley that Sly had completely snapped.  
Carmelita finally walked in to see what all the screaming was about, considering Sly usually spoke in a whisper.  
Sly looked at Carmelita and his grin disappeared.  
"What's going on here?" She asked.  
Bentley watched as Sly began to fidget while trying to stay standing still. The raccoon stared at Carmelita intently, seemingly checking her out as he started to jitter. "I-Inspector Fox, I think you'd better back away slowly..."  
"Why? I want some explanations, now! Why is Sly screaming? Why's his cane covered in blood and why is this poor probably-diabetic hippo on the ground unconscious?"  
Sly threateningly pointed his bloody cane at Carmelita. "Take off your clothes."  
She blushed madly. Bentley grabbed Sly's cane and pushed it down, throwing a punch for Sly's jaw. Sly's face was that of shock, but he easily whipped the cane around and hit Bentley in the face with it. The turtle stumbled a bit, his back towards Sly, who hit him again in the back of the neck before strutting slowly towards Carmelita. He stopped a few feet away. Carmelita, petrified, just stood there as Sly traced a figure-8 with his cane around her boobs.  
Bentley shakily got back up, coughing. "S-Sly, stop."  
"What's the matter, Bentley, are you jealous?" Sly said, his voice back to normal at least for now.  
"Not for her." Bentley covered his mouth immediately after blurting that.  
Sly's ears perked up for a second before tilting downward a bit as he looked over at Bentley. "What was that?" He snarled.  
Bentley stuttered before Carmelita tried to tug Sly's cane away. She ended up pulling the Cooper descendant close, and he giggled. "Your eyes are stunning as always, Ms. Fox."  
Carmelita blushed even more, her whole face turning red.  
"And that beauty mark under your left eye... It really gives you a unique..." He stopped suddenly and paused for a moment.  
"It gives me a unique...?" Carmelita urged him to finish.  
The raccoon's eyes trembled as he stared into Carmelita's own eyes. She could see a lingering thought of hesitance showing through; part of the real Sly.  
However, Carmelita hesitated in egging on the real Sly; she was personally quite fond of this daring, charming and horny Sly.  
That look of hesitance started to disappear, and so Carmelita made a quick decision.  
"Sly, you're better than this." She said.  
That was all Sly needed to hear. He tore his cane free of her grasp and ran out.  
"Wait, Cooper!"  
Sly vanished around the corner. Carmelita chased after him while Bentley sort of limped after them.  
Meanwhile, as this went on, Murray's hand twitched. He soon stood. "I'M GONNA DING YOU BACK, SLY COOPER."


	13. Uh-oh

Sly ran around the corner, running as fast as he could from Carmelita and Bentley. He wasn't quite sure what happened, but he knew what he'd been thinking about doing to Carmelita and was nearly horrified. He would have been more horrified if he'd had those thoughts about Bentley; because then Sly wouldn't have been able to snap himself out of it for the time being. He still felt jittery from the overdose of aphrodisiac and felt like he'd snap yet again and just up and rape someone, so he kept running even as he heard Carmelita and Bentley begging him to stop.  
He started to feel a little odd though, so just as a test, he tried to stop and turn around. His body disobeyed his thoughts.  
"Looks like I'm on autopilot," Sly thought to himself. "or else the drug just jacked the controls from me!"  
Carmelita stopped and watched as Sly jumped off of a platform and seemingly into the lava below. "SLY, _NO_!"  
Before she could even start grieving, though, she saw Sly Rail Walking up a neon-ish pipe. He continued using all the moves he'd learned from the Thievius Raccoonus to start making his way up what looked like a giant statue of an owl made of scraps. Carmelita prepared to try following the raccoon, but Bentley stopped her.  
"The whole statue is sinking! You'll never catch up to Sly before the lava catches up with you!"  
"And what about ringtail? What's he going to do when he gets to the top? There's nothing there!" She informed the turtle, pointing angrilly at the top of the statue; she was right, there was absolutely nothing of interest up there.  
"Sly!"  
Sly could hear them, but just couldn't gather the courage to talk, despite being sure he could speak if he wanted to.  
"Sly, what are you doing?!" Bentley called out again.  
Sly sighed. "I wish I knew, Bentley! But I'm not the one doing this; that drug is for whatever reason!"  
"Drug?!"  
"Yeah, Murray, that pink hippo back there drugged me with WAAAY too much aphrodisiac!"  
Bentley pondered as Sly continued to make his way up. Aphrodisiac explained why Sly had seemingly wanted to rape Carmelita, but not why Sly had gone a little insane back there. Unless of course it was the overdose part that made Sly unstable.  
The turtle looked at Carmelita. "Do you think we can get the helicopter here before the statue sinks?"  
She looked back at him like he were the crazy one. "No. Probably not."  
"Well you'd better try, or else Sly's going to go down with it!"  
Carmelita growled in frustration, but did start sprinting back to get to the helicopter. She turned the corner though, and was suddenly knocked out by a punch to the face.

.  
TETANUS.  
Bentley watched as the pink hippo walked toward him.  
"SSLLLYYY, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU'D DING ME!"  
Sly stopped briefly and looked over. "I THINK YOU AND I HAVE TWO DIFFERENT DEFINITIONS OF 'DING' MY FAT HIPPO FRIEND." He laughed. "AND LET ME ASK YOU ONE THING."  
"YES, SSSLLLYYY?"  
"DO YOU REALLY CONTROL CLOCKWERK?  
"WELL... YEAH, SSLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYY."  
"I DON'T THINK YOU DO MURRAY."  
"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, SSSSSSSSSSSSSLLYY?"  
Sly suddenly whistled long and loud. Out of the wall of the volcano came Clockwerk. The mechanical owl swooped around Sly. "I JUST THINK IT'S IRONIC THAT A COOPER CAN WOO CLOCKWERK INTO OBEYING HIM."  
Bentley gasped. True, it was ironic; CLOCKWERK WORKING WITH A COOPER. Considering Clockwerk was the arch-enemy of the Cooper family, at least.  
"HOW DID YOU EVEN FIND CLOCKWERK, SSLLYY? YOU NEVER SAW HIM."  
Sly did a poker face. "BECAUSE SCREW LOGIC. I'M SLY COOPER."  
Suddenly Carmelita showed up flying the helicopter.  
They were all silent.  
"Screw logic?" asked Bentley.  
"YEP." Sly replied.  
Carmelita suddenly drove the helicopter down into the tower, blowing it and Clockwerk up and getting Sly mixed up in the explosion and flying out of the volcano being followed by Clockwerk's bits and pieces as well as the still-spinning helicopter blades and Carmelita.  
Murray was turned on.


	14. Clockwerk is Superior

Carmelita and Sly fell roughly to the barren ground far from the volcano. The pieces of Clockwerk followed suit and started to put themselves back together. The helicopter blades dug into the earth and vanished in a giant hole.  
Carmelita got up first, shaking her head slowly to shake away an ache. "Sly, are you okay?" She said, looking at the raccoon. Sly lay on his stomach, looking battered as he was completely still. Not even his cute triple-ringed tail moved.  
"... Sly?" She hesitantly moved closer and felt for a pulse. Luckily for her, Sly's pulse was strong and he was still breathing okay; he was only unconscious.  
She sat back and sighed in relief when suddenly Sly's cane was snatched by Clockwerk. So she jumped up and pulled out her shock pistol WHICH LITTLE DID SHE KNOW CURRENTLY DID NOT PACK A PUNCH OF PARALYZINGNESS and aimed it at the bird. "Drop the cane, owl!"  
"NO CAN DO, MS. FOX." The owl responded in his deep, mechanical voice.  
Carmelita twinged a little. "Don't call me that, you hunk of junk."  
Clockwerk ignored her and flew up a little. "SLEEP TIGHTLY, _CLOCKWERK_." He then flew away and disappeared.  
Carmelita was so confused by what he said that she forgot to fire at him. "Damn you, Clockwerk." She mumbled before picking Sly up, hoping he wouldn't mind the loss of his family cane.

Bentley and Murray ran together to find where Sly and Carmelita had landed, hoping they hadn't been hurt.  
Bentley hoped Sly was alright because he loved him.  
Murray hoped Sly was alright so he could ding him.  
The both of them thought Carmelita could go to hell.  
They both stopped when they saw Carmelita carrying Sly carelessly in her arms; Sly looked quite cute lying like that.  
Murray wanted to ding him, but Bentley gasped when he saw the morbidly serious look on Carmelita's face and how Sly didn't appear to be moving.  
"Is he... no.." Bentley ran over. Carmelita looked at him, not saying a word. She bowed her head and shook it. Bentley started to cry, but was confused when Carmelita laughed.  
"I'm only fooling, he's only unconscious."  
"That's not funny..!" Bentley cried.  
"Yeah it is."  
"SO CAN I DING SSLLYYYYY?"  
"No, Murray!" Both of them yelled at the fat pink hippo, making him BE THE BALL and cry.

Murray dinged the van back into shape and also to their current location, so they all got in. However, the van wouldn't move.  
"MURRAY GET YOUR FAT ASS OUT OF THE VAN"  
"LET THE MURRAY DRIVE" Murray picked Bentley up by the head and whipped him into the back of the van, and suddenly they started driving at warp speed.  
"JESUS CHRIST MURRAY WE DON'T NEED TO TRAVEL THROUGH TIME YET, THAT'S NOT UNTIL _SLY 4: THIEVES IN TIME_ COMING OUT JULY 6TH I MEAN 7TH OF 2011 NOT COUNTING THE PROMOTION THAT LETS US RELEASE IT VALENTINES DAY"  
Carmelita ignored all the screaming, sitting in the passengers seat with her arms crossed. Sly remained unconscious, lying on the floor next to the wall of the van.  
"MURRAY STOP THE VA-" Murray stopped and Bentley smashed through the door and then the front window, breaking his legs like noodles. "OH MY _GAWDDDD_"  
Everyone, excluding Sly, including the steering wheel, gasped. Bentley then stood up and calmly walked back into the van.  
They then started quietly driving as though none of that had ever happened.  
Bentley smiled when Sly moaned and sat up, rubbing his head. "Guys, he's up!"  
Carmelita went into the back of the van and smiled.  
Sly looked at his hand with a brief look of horror and then a small grin.  
"Sly, how are you feeling?" Bentley asked.  
"I'm feeling very '_sly_'. Say, where are the pages of the Thievius Raccoonus?"  
"Oh, right next to you."  
Bentley and Carmelita watched as Sly picked up the pages and examined them. Suddenly he held them sideways and tore them in half.  
Bentley gasped. "Sly, what-?!"  
Sly stood and after tearing the pages to shreds, dropped the tiny pieces. He chuckled darkly.  
"Clockwerk is superior."


	15. Sly's Mental Reaction to the Hate Chip

Carmelita pulled out her shock pistol WHICH AGAIN PACKED A PARALYZING PUNCH on Sly, unwavering, unlike Bentley who tried to back through the wall of the van.  
"How ironic that _I_, _Clockwerk_, would end up in a _Cooper_'s body..."  
"So that's what he meant... So Sly is in your body?!"  
"So it seems. And it also seems we're on the same side for now."  
"On the same side as you? Ha!" Bentley said bravely.  
Clockwerk glared at him, making him shut up and go back to trying to disappear. Clockwerk smirked. "You want Sly Cooper back, don't you?"  
"Yes." Carmelita responded bitterly.  
Clockwerk turned his gaze to her. "And I want my body back so I can rape- I mean destroy Sly Cooper."  
The fox growled. "We have no choice but to help him, Bentley."  
Bentley sighed. "Fine... How can we help?"  
"Quite easily, actually." Clockwerk whispered what they needed in the turtle's ear, and he sighed.  
"I can do that."  
"Good." Clockwerk's smirk grew.

Almost instantly after the explosion, Sly felt strange. At first, he couldn't move, and when he finally could, he came to the shocking realization that he was no longer in his own body.  
But for some reason, it was... pleasant.  
He was finally safe from guys. Never again would a man see him and want to rape him.  
When he discovered he new body was Clockwerk's, though... the moment became bittersweet. He clumsily picked up his cane in his new talons and was threatened by Carmelita. She spoke harshly, and he tried to hit at who he was by calling her 'Ms. Fox', but she didn't get it. Realizing Clockwerk must be inside of him, but too hurt by Carmelita not realizing who he was to care, he simply said "Sleep tightly, Clockwerk." before taking off with the cane.  
He continued to fly high in the sky, Carmelita's cruelty beginning to eat at him. He thought about it sadly until gradually and without even noticing it at first, the sadness started to grow into a vengeful anger. He didn't notice until suddenly he had a thought that shook him.  
"I should kill her."  
He didn't like the thought, and wasn't even sure where it came from, but it made him stop and just stand on the ground, nearly crushing the Cooper cane.  
"I don't want to kill Carmelita... Do I?" The thought started to torment him. He realized it must have been caused by something in Clockwerk that stayed behind. Something that was part of the body, thus something Sly couldn't stop.  
Whatever this was, it was natural.  
Still, he tried to hang onto himself and calm down, but the anger only grew. It was going to overtake him, and he could do nothing about it.

Murray drove Bentley and the others back to the Interpol (aka Le Police) station in Paris.  
Carmelita let them all into her office, feeling like a traitor to justice for bringing a low-life turtle, a clumsy fat, gay, pink hippo, and a handsome thief raccoon that stole her heart gone Clockwerk into the Interpol statue and not arresting them.  
Clockwerk looked around the office as Murray tried to eat Carmelita's chair.  
"I'll be right back, I just have to go make some random devices back at the hideout." Bentley informed them.  
"Why do they have to stay here?!" complained Carmelita.  
"Because I'm Bentley." Bentley was then gone. Carmelita sighed.  
"It looks like you've had trouble catching Sly Cooper." Clockwerk said suddenly. She looked over and saw he was gazing at her wall of pictures of the raccoon. "It also appears you've grown a little obsessed."  
She huffed. "I'm not obsessed. I'm just..."  
"In love?"  
She glared at the raccoon who was now mentally Clockwerk. "N-... W-... N-..." She sighed. "Yes..."  
Luckily for her Murray was either not listening, or didn't care.  
Clockwerk snickered. "How one could fall for a filthy, disgusting Cooper is beyond me. I'd bang the _fuck_ out of Sly, sure, but not with love."  
"Hey, watch your fucking language."  
"_Fuck_ your language."  
"Fuck you too!"  
They stopped suddenly.  
Murray was now the chair.  
HEPATITIS.

Bentley ran back in later with some devices. "Here we go. Now we need to find Sly." He looked at Clockwerk, who held up his hand.  
"Please, how would I know where that foolish Cooper went?"  
Suddenly they all froze when they heard a piercing, robotic screech outside.  
"Never mind, looks like he's here. Not sure what that noise he's making is about though."  
Bentley pondered.  
Suddenly, Sly smashed through the window, just barely fitting through, and he started trashing the office, batting them around.  
"Cooper, stop!" Carmelita pleaded.  
Sly only roared at her as Clockwerk started to laugh.  
"What's so funny, Clockwerk?!"  
"I knew the Hate Chip would take a toll! Never mind it, just switch us back!"  
Bentley came to a conclusion in his pondering. "No, we can't!"  
"Can't what?!" Carmelita yelled.  
"We can't get Sly out of Clockwerk's body, not right now!"  
"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!"  
"It's the Hate Chip! If we try to take Sly out now, he won't change!"  
"I don't understand, turtle!"  
"In short, he'll still be evil like he is now!"  
Clockwerk laughed. "Oh, too bad, you've figured it out. But I will get my body back!" He jumped at Bentley and was kicked away by Carmelita.  
Sly threw the Cooper cane out the window and into the parking lot and picked up the Murray-chair, throwing it at Carmelita. She shot it with her shock pistol WHICH PARALYZING A PACKS PUNCH and it exploded.  
"Cooper, snap out of it! You're not really angry, Clockwerk's body is fooling you!"  
"SHUT UP, FOX." He coldly demanded.  
"I won't! You need to fight the anger so we can change you back to normal!"  
"I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO NORMAL! I HATE MY OLD BODY!"  
"You don't..."  
"I DO. IT'S ALWAYS CAUSING ME TROUBLE."  
"Please, Sly..."  
"NO. I HATE YOU, I HATE EVERYONE! WHY SHOULD I MAKE YOU HAPPY?!"  
Carmelita seemed crushed.  
"It's just the Hate Chip talking, Carmelita!" Bentley informed her. "Keep it up!"  
"It's no use; once the Hate Chip has done its damage, there's no reversing it." Clockwerk smirked.  
With Sly about to murder her and Bentley and Clockwerk tugging her from side to side in decisiveness, she turned her shock pistol PARALYZING WHICH PUNCH PACKS _on herself_.  
Sly seemed to stop, and Clockwerk watched Sly with a look of surprise.  
"I'll shoot." Carmelita said.  
Bentley was a little scared, but thought he understood what she was trying to do.  
Sly stared at her with his cold, yellow eyes.


	16. Saving Sly

"GO AHEAD."  
Those two cold words from Sly stunned Carmelita. She nearly dropped the shock pistol WPAPP, but instead turned it back on Sly and fired at his leg. It nearly broke off and fizzed, so he screeched and outstretched his wings, preparing to trash the office more and probably hurt her back.  
Clockwerk ran out of the office and down the fire escape.  
"CLOCKWERK?! GET BACK HERE!" Carmelita roared. Bentley simply tried to hide behind the knocked-over desk.  
SUDDENLY, THE MURRAY BROKE THE DOOR DOWN.  
"Murray?! I thought you were the chair?!" Bentley asked.  
"NO WAY, BENTLEY. THE MURRAY **ATE** THE CHAIR."  
"But.."  
"DING" Murray flung himself at Sly, snapping a wing clean off and making the robotic owl body of the corrupted raccoon tip over from lack of balance.  
Carmelita walked closer, still aiming at him.  
"WHY... DO YOU WANT TO HURT ME...?"  
"Because you're not you anymore, Sly. You're heartless."  
"Quite literally." added Bentley.  
"BENTLEY" Murray bodyslammed the turtle, breaking his legs.  
"OH MY GAWWWDD"  
Bentley then stood and brushed himself off as Murray helped him.  
Clockwerk walked back in holding the Cooper cane. "Sly Cooper, do you remember this?" He asked with a smirk.  
Sly looked over and growled a little. "OF COURSE. I _AM_ A COOPER."  
"Were."  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"  
"Just like I was Clockwerk, you were Sly Cooper. Do you want to be Sly Cooper again, or do you want to be the nefarious Clockwerk who's been plotting to destroy your family line for generations?"  
Sly paused and seemed to think; Clockwerk was startled as he hadn't expected him to waver in his decision.  
Carmelita looked a bit worried, but prepared to shoot again if she didn't like Sly's answer.  
Sly looked up at Clockwerk. "I want to be... Clock-Sly."  
"Wait, what?"  
Clock-Sly stood clumsily and shot himself at Clockwerk, throwing both of them over the fire escape which came tumbling down with them.  
Carmelita, Bentley and Murray ran to the window and looked down at them.  
Clockwerk screamed in agony as Clock-Sly landed on him, crushing him.  
"COOPER IS SUPERIOR."  
"Wrong," Clockwerk snickered weakly. "Cooper is nothing."  
Before Clock-Sly could process that, Carmelita fired at him until she ran out of bullets. It had done enough damage to smash Clock-Sly into bits and send the parts flying.  
Totally-not-to-save-time-and-instead-by-freak-chance, the Hate Chip soared up and Carmelita caught it. They were going to relax a little until they heard the sound of metal moving in the distance and saw that some of Clock-Sly's pieces were starting to come back together and toward the Hate Chip.  
Clockwerk stood and brushed himself off, stumbling a bit. "Damn this weak raccoon body... I can hardly move..."  
Carmelita tossed the Hate Chip at Bentley, who clumsily grabbed it. "Sly's in there, right?"  
"Well, he should be.."  
"Get him out, then."  
"It's no use." Clockwerk called up to them as a snarky reminder. "He'll still be corrupted. Hate is the most powerful emotion; the first time you feel it you only want it more."  
Carmelita laughed at him. "Pathetic. Hate is _not_ the most powerful emotion, _love_ is!"  
"How very naive of you. Love is nothing. Love creates hate."  
"Sounds to me like you've suffered from heartbreak."  
"I've never loved."  
"Then by your logic, how can you hate?"  
Clockwerk snarled, but said no more in response to that.  
Bentley had Murray flip over the desk before he put the Hate Chip down and started examining it.  
"SO SSLLLYYYY IS IN THAT COMPUTER CHIP?"  
"So it seems, Murray."  
"CAN I DING THE CHIP?"  
"NOT A CHANCE, MURRAY."

"Keep in mind, 'Ms. Fox', that once that turtle is done, I will get my body back and I will destroy Sly Cooper's prosta- I mean, kill Sly Cooper, and then you." Clockwerk said, still staring up at Carmelita from the parking lot.  
"Not if I can help it, you won't."  
Clockwerk shook his finger at her. "We had an agreement, Ms. Fox."  
"Stop calling me that, and no, we did not have an agreement."  
"Do you want to fight over it? Winner gets what they want?"  
She hesitated, not wanting to accept for fear of hurting Sly's body.  
"If you forfeit, I win."  
Either Clockwerk was stupid, or he actually _wanted_ to fight her. Since Sly's safety as well as her own was on the line, she reloaded her gun and jumped down.  
Clockwerk grabbed the cane, but was confused when he saw the hooked part of it was missing. Broken or not, it would have to do.  
Carmelita fell to Clockwerk's level only to be smacked across the face with the stick that the cane had been reduced to in the fall. She kicked at him and missed, but then she grabbed the cane and slammed the thicker tip of it into his chin.  
He growled and grabbed near the top, and suddenly his head shot back with a faint snap as the hooked golden part of the cane popped out. Carmelita gasped and let go as Clockwerk did, and the cane as well as the raccoon fell over.  
"Oh my god, are you...?!"  
Completely stunned by the blow, Clockwerk stared at the night sky just blinking a little before he slowly sat up. "How the cane works like that is an enigma to me."  
"I know, right? How does that huge hook that doesn't fold fit into that tiny, straight base? Either way..." Carmelita held her shock pistol PARALYZING PUNCH PARALYZING PUNCH PACKS, aiming right at Clockwerk's raccoon face.  
"Go ahead, shoot. I dare you." He grinned. She couldn't shoot; they both knew that.  
Suddenly, Bentley went to the window. "Hey, I figured it-" He dropped what he was holding when Murray accidentally shoved him and it fell, smashed, and combusted.  
Carmelita and Clockwerk gasped in horror and retaliation; Carmelita because this meant Sly was gone and Clockwerk because this meant the Hate Chip was gone.  
"... Good thing that wasn't the Hate Chip."  
They both sighed in relief.  
"If you found it out, don't tell us, just get Sly back into his body."  
Bentley pulled out some random machine thing and stuck the Hate Chip into it before aiming it at Clockwerk and pressing a button. An electric charge THAT PACKS LESS OF A PARALYZING PUNCH than Caremlita's shock pistol WHICH PACKS A MUCH MORE PARALYZING PUNCH shot out and hit Clockwerk, zapping him.  
"BRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRBRB"  
The machine fizzed out and the charge stopped as Sly's body fell back, unconscious.  
Carmelita went to Sly's side and shook him gently.  
"Sly? Sly, are you in there?"  
The raccoon groaned and his eyes started to open dazily.  
"Is that you, Sly?"  
"Of course it's me, you're talking to a giant robo-" He held his throat and looked at himself. "How in the world...?"  
Bentley tossed the Hate Chip to Murray.  
"CAN THE MURRAY DING THE CHIP NOW?"  
"Yes, it'll destroy Clockwerk and satisfy whatever strange urges you have."  
"OH BOY" Murray ran off to have a good time with Clockwerk's core piece.  
Bentley and Carmelita smiled at Sly and turned, gazing at each other with a look of acceptance. Neither of them noticed Sly pick up his cane with a dark glare and raise it above his head.  
"I HATE BOTH OF YOU!"  
Carmelita turned and gasped.


	17. The Start of a New Adventure

"I'm just kidding." Sly giggled and scratched his head with his cane.  
Before anyone could respond, Sly gently jabbed Carmelita in the throat with the golden tip of his family heirloom. "OR AM I?" He said with a cold look before he pulled away from the fox. "Come on dude, let's split!" He said as he waved impatiently at Bentley with a corny smile.  
Bentley shrugged and jumped down, landing on his tail.  
"THE MURRAY WILL CUMIMEAN COME TOO" Murray jumped down, landing on Bentley's legs with a loud snap.  
"OH GODDDDDDDDDDD KFC WHYYYYYYYYYYY" Bentley wailed as Sly gasped overdramatically, let out a deep breath, and continued his gasp.  
Murray then got off of Bentley as Sly took a micronap while standing and Bentley stood up.  
"Hey! I know! How about we go through ALL OF SLY COOPER AND THE THIEVIUS RACCOONUS ALL OVER AGAIN JUST TO COVER WHAT WE MISSED LIKE OTHER LEVELS, TIME TRIALS AND HINT BOTTLES-"  
Sly shoved his entire cane down Bentley's throat so the turtle's mouth was held open by the tip as he gagged. "HOW ABOUT NO."  
Bentley hacked up the cane. "How about we cover Sly 2: Band of Thieves?"  
"OR HOW ABOUT WE JUST SKIP TO SLY 3: HONOR AMONG THIEVES BECAUSE THE WRITER OF THIS STORY HAS NEVER PLAYED SLY 2 WHICH IS ACTUALLY KIND OF SAD BUT HOPEFULLY SOMETIME THIS SUMMER THEY'LL GET A PS3 AND THE SLY COLLECTION AND FINALLY PLAY SLY 2 FOR THE FIRST TIME"  
"OKAY"  
"ALRIGHT SLLLLLLLLYYYY"  
The trio then jumped up and high-fived each other.  
"Now just one thing," Bentley started.  
"Yeah?" Sly asked.  
"... How do we get out of here?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"The van was destroyed when Murray kidnapped you."  
"OH FOR FUDGES' SAKE."  
"BUT WAIT..." Murray tried to say.  
"Well I couldn't do anything about it!"  
Sly got on his knees, grabbed Bentley by the shoulders, stared him straight in the eye as he shook him and started screaming. "YOU'RE A TECHNOLOGICALLY ADEPT ANTHROMORPHIC TURTLE; YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!"  
"BUT SSLLLYYY..."  
"I can do anything? I CAN FLY?!"  
"OF COURSE YOU CAN, DUDE!"  
Bentley whooped and ran off to a random cliff and jumped off. Sly reached out to stop him but was too late.  
"... Did he just dive off of a random cliff because you told him he could fly." Carmelita finally said something.  
"It looks like it, but in reality he's being mocked by a herd of 17 chickens."  
"What?"  
"You heard me, Miss Colonel Jolly Sanders."  
Bentley magically teleported beside Sly and blinked for a bit. "Hm."  
Sly clocked Bentley over the head after his temporary invincibility wore off. "Now... What were we arguing about?"  
"SSLLLLLLLYYYYYYY"  
"WHAT IS IT, BENTLEY I MEAN MURRAY." Sly roared at the pink hippo and not at the green turtle because I mix both their names up sometimes even though that's stupid.  
Murray gestured to the van in front of the Interpol building.  
"... Oh."  
The three, now suddenly a gang, started walking toward the van before they all skid to a stop as they heard Carmelita loudly aim her shock pistol WHICH... YOU KNOW WHAT I'M DONE(Technical Difficulties | Hang in there, baby!)PACKS A PARALYZING PUNCH.  
"If you idiots think I'm just going to let you wander away like the bunch of morons you are, you're wrong."  
"But but but..." Bentley whimpered.  
".. Oh, I'm not talking to you or 'Horny Horny Hippo' there."  
Sly turned. "Then did you just refer to me as more than one living creature?"  
"Of course. I mean what-with all the random things you've been saying and how weird you're acting."  
"Stuff your gloved lips, Water Bottle."  
"SEE WHAT I MEAN? THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE."  
"Hey, I have an excuse to act hysterical."  
"But you're not acting hysterical, you're acting like a stereotypical media-influenced schizophrenic."  
Sly gave her a duck mouth face before he and his "friends" continued to the van. Carmelita just stared as they got into the van and drove away. She then put a hand on her hip, held her gun in the air, shook a little and waved the gun about as though that would stop them.  
Suddenly the van exploded.  
And then within seconds it was repaired as though nothing ever happened and the Cooper gang drove off like a flock of seagulls.

"So... Uh... Are we just going to jump straight into Sly 3?"  
"Why would we do that?" Sly responded to Bentley's question with another question.  
"Well, because we left off on A Cooperific Cliffhanger 3 with a cliffhanger in the middle of Sly 3, we technically CANNOT end this segment with a cliffhanger because then we'd have to come back and fill the time gap sometime!"  
"But we will!"  
"What? Really? When?"  
Sly drew a 2 in the air as blue lights that only he could see.  
"Ooohhhh... Right. Are we ever going to cover Sly 4: Thieves in T-"  
"NO. NEVER. DON'T EVEN START."  
"Okay..." Bentley looked down at his legs in shame. "But wait, then how do I end up breaking my l-"  
"WHO EVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THAT SHUT UP BENTLEY."  
Murray suddenly wrapped his arms around Sly so tightly that Sly almost barfed up his intestines. "OH SSSSSSSSSSSSSLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY"  
"MURRAY."  
"YES, SSLLLYY?"  
"CAN'T. BREATHE."  
"YOU DON'T NEED LUNGS, SSSSLYYY"  
"AND. YOU. DON'T. NEED. YOUR. BRAIN. BECAUSE. YOU. DON'T. USE. IT." Sly coughed.  
"I'M GONNA DING YOU, SSSLYYY"  
"OH FISH MILK" Sly kicked free of the hippo and gasped for air.  
Suddenly the van lerched forward and all three were thrown forward as the van came to a halt backdoors-up.  
Sly landed on top of Bentley against the wall as the computer and everything else stayed where it was, denying physics. "Ough..." Sly groaned.  
"THE MURRAY'S COMING THROUGHHH"  
Sly and Bentley looked up right before Murray bodyslammed both of them. They all got away from each other and Bentley somehow made it to the van doors and opened them, looking outside. "GAAAAAAAAAASP! SLY! MURRAY! COME LOOK WHAT WE HIT!"  
"Can I find my eyes first?" Sly asked, stumbling around blindly and pawing at the ground. "They popped out of my head when Murray crushed every single bone in my body."  
When Sly found his copper-brown eyes and squeezed them back into his skull he joined Bentley and Murray in looking out at what they hit.  
Sly gasped in horror at what he saw.


	18. Opera Twist

"NO WAY." Sly said as he backed away from what he originally believed to be Carmelita.  
"COME ON, SLLLLYYYYYYY" Murray said as he peeled off his costume and revealed his fatness again.  
"OH GOD." Sly turned and started running again through the streets of Venice.  
"YOU CAN'T RUN FROM THE MURRAY, SSSSLLLYYYY" Murray became the ball and started rolling after Sly.  
Sly kept running, not realizing that his tail was a HUGE liability until Murray grabbed it and used it to yank him back. Sly ended up in Murray's arms, writhing and screaming in an attempt to get away.  
"TRY NOT TO GET SO EXCITED SSSSLLLYY! THE MURRAY KNOWS YOU CAN'T WAIT TO BE DINGED BUT CONTROL YOURSELF, SLLLLYYY!"  
As Sly screamed, he didn't realize he was being watched from on top of a far building.  
"Ohh Cooper, such a maaggniiiiifffiicent body!" pondered the character which certainly was not a lion with a mustache and whose name was certainly not Octavio.  
"I'M ONLY 24 LEMME GO" Sly yelled as he struggled.  
"OH SSSLLLYYYYY HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW OLD YOU ARE"  
"THE FANS TELL ME HOW OLD I AM ON NERDTESTS; 18, 20 THENIMEANNOW 24"  
"WHAT ABOUT IN SSSSLLLLLLLLY 4, SLLLLLLLLYYYYYY"  
"THEY HAVEN'T TOLD ME THAT YET."  
"WHEN'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, SLLLLLYYYYYY? THE MURRAY WANTS TO GIVE YOU ANNUAL BIRTHDAY DINGS"  
"OH GOD SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME."  
Suddenly Murray was knocked unconscious! Sly skittered away from the dozing pink hippo and looked around. "Who did that?"  
Out of the well-and-unnaturally-placed shadows came a lion with a yellow mane, mustache and beard. He wore a large black hat and a white mask over most of his muzzle and his eyes. "It was I, Don Octavio."  
"Octavio?! Wh-" Before Sly could finish, Octavio hushed him.  
"Sly Cooper, you have a MAGNIFICENT voice!"  
"... Huh?"  
"I would like you to be my backup singer in my next performance!"  
"Uhhhhhhh..."  
"What do you say?" Octavio clasped his hands.  
"Um.. Well.. N-"  
The lion grabbed the raccoon. "OKAY THEN, THE PERFORMANCE IS GOING TO START IN 10 MINUTES! MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE OPERA HALL AND LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!" Octavio then vanished, making Sly wonder if he'd imagined his presense.  
"... If that wasn't all a twisted hallucination, the guy I'm targeting right now to rob blind wants me to sing with him and doesn't know who I am. Should I do it? Maybe it could help me in foiling his plans..."  
"HALT!"  
"Fish."

Bentley zoomed around the streets of Venice in his decked-out wheelchair in search of Sly. "I'm searching for Sly."

After a bit of planning while zooming around, Bentley decided he was going to pretend to be one of Octavio's goons and go to the opera performance simply to see if Sly was there. So he blew one of the goons up and took their uncharred clothes and scooted his turtle butt to the opera hall.  
"HALT" said a flashlight goon, standing in front of the doors.  
"Alto tenor bass soprano. And your breath smells like onions."  
Bentley carelessly got out of his wheelchair and strut into the opera hall, dragging his wheelchair along. The guard started to cry, but only because of the smell of his breath.  
Bentley sat his wheelchair on a seat in the hall, then sat on the wheelchair. Considering how small he was, this worked.  
Then the wheelchair tipped over and he smashed his face on the chair in front of him, somehow breaking his legs again.  
Suddenly, music started to play from behind the curtains.  
Bentley was magically up correctly, and he looked to his left.  
Inspector Carmelita fox sat in the row across from him so he nearly died. His wheelchair tipped backwards and he crushed the person in the seat behind him.  
Octavio tore the curtains down as suddenly the opera music turned into heavy metal and the stage combusted.  
"WHAT IN THE" Before Bentley could finish, the music became opera again. Octavio sang, revealing he had the voice of a fat lady. Out from the back of the stage came a timid-looking person in a suit.  
They had a giant black and grey ringed tail and wore a blue cap, as well as carrying a brown cane with a gold hook-like end.  
"I wonder who that is." Bentley thought as his chair rocketed him through the ceiling.  
Everyone in the audience started whistling at the suited raccoon.  
Bentley, who was now suddenly back in the audience, realized who it was and gasped. "Sly?!"  
Carmelita looked at him slowly with the most disgruntled expression he'd ever seen on a woman.  
"Whoopsies.. hee hee...?"  
He was then punched to the moon.  
BY CARMELIA'S SHOCK PISTOL WHICH PACKS A PARALYZING PUNCH.

Sly stood on the stage, his legs trembling. "Ohhh god, this is not good."  
He saw someone go flying through the ceiling and Carmelita stepped forward in the crowd, waving her shock pistol WHICH STILL PACKS A PARALYZING PUNCH. "COOPER!" She roared.  
Sly shrieked and threw Octavio into the ground.  
He landed on Carmelita.

Wait for it...

3.  
2.  
1.

TERRARIAnowait-  
TERABYTEnotthateither-  
DIABEETUScloseenough.  
Sly put his cane in his mouth (so sanitary) and started climbing up a random rope. It took him to the roof, somehow.  
"Gotta love things that just happen so the plot, whatever that might be, can move faster!" Sly said. He wasn't looking as he ran though, and he slipped on a filleted fish corpse. "NO NO WAIT WH" He hit his head on another filleted fish corpse and collapsed.

Bentley screamed as he fell back down to the roof. Something soft broke his fall, and he crushed it under his wheelchair. He looked down at it and saw Sly.  
"Oh hey Sly, thanks for breaking my fall."  
Sly didn't respond.  
"Sly?"  
Still, Sly didn't make any sign of hearing anything. His eyes were closed and he wasn't moving.  
"... Sly? Sly, wake up, it's time to go back to the hideout and play Monopoly for seventeen hours straight." Bentley watched Sly closely.  
Even his tail was limp in the wind.  
"OH GOD SLY NO" He stood off of his wheelchair and knelt next to the raccoon. He felt for a pulse and gasped.


	19. Bentley to the Rescue?

Sly's pulse was just fine. The raccoon was simply asleep. And also no longer wearing a suit.  
"AUGH SLY FER CHRIST'S SAKE, I CAN'T RELY ON YOU FOR ANYTHING." Bentley grumbled loudly, having wanted the plot to become serious.  
"Blame... the guest.. reviewer..." Sly mumbled in his sleep.  
Bentley punched a cat into the stratosphere. "BINOO CAKES"

Meanwhile, with Murray...  
Murray ate bacon chips while driving the van around in search of Sly.  
Now, usually, you'd probably say it's not safe to eat chips and drive.  
But we're talking about Murray here.  
Nothing Murray does is ever safe.  
In fact, we can't be 100% certain he even knows the definition of the word.  
Murray crashed the van into a random streetlight in the middle of the road. "PHEW! I'M GLAD WE NEVER INSTALLED AIRBAG-" The airbags popped out with the force of a bullet and slammed Murray against the chair. "I'M GONNA MURDER SOMEONE."

Meanwhile, with Clockwerk LOL WAIT CLOCKWERK'S DEAD, WE MISSED THAT IN SLY 2

Meanwhile, with Carmelita, who was somehow still alive _elsewhere_...  
Carmelita sipped on something that totally wasn't coffee. Winthorp (is that his name? IT IS NOW) walked in on shaky legs.  
"H-h-h-h-h-"  
"SHUT THE FULL CUP" Carmelita threw her cup of hot liquid at Winthorp, who combusted. "YUH"  
Winthorp was suddenly not-on-fire. He was invulnerable, like most NPCs.  
"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Back with Sly and Bentley...  
Bentley had Sly draped over the wheelchair, rolling to the van.  
Wait, I thought Murray had the van.

Bentley had Sly draped over the wheelchair, rolling to the van, which Murray had abandoned after his incident. It had magically repaired itself. Bentley opened the back doors and put Sly in.  
Sly jolted up, suddenly awake. "BENTLEY"  
"What?"  
"WE'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE ONE OF THOSE STEREOTYPICAL SCENES WHERE WE GO 'HOME' FOR A BIT AND STRAY COMPLETELY FROM THE GAME'S PLOT TO HAVE A SCENE WITH SEXUAL TENSION WHERE YOU TRY TO BATHE ME BECAUSE YOU NOTICE I'M FILTHY AND I'M STILL UNCONSCIOUS, ARE WE?!"  
"Of course we are."  
"People aren't going to be pleased..."  
"WELL THEN FUCK 'EM" Bentley looked at the camera. "No no just kidding, we love all of you almost-3000 readers. We just gotta make this happen. BECAUSE I'M BENTLEY."  
Bentley slammed the van doors, disregarding the fact that Sly's legs had still been dangling out. He rolled to the driver's seat door and got in somehow. He then drove back to their current hideout.

Once at the hideout, Bentley pulled Sly out of the van. The raccoon was "still" unconscious. He draped him over the wheelchair again and wheeled inside, not caring that the location of the van completely gave away where they were staying.  
He walked Sly and his wheelchair up the stairs and then wheeled around a bit. He noticed Sly looked filthy.  
He got a sly (HA HA GET IT? HA.. ha ha.. h... Tough crowd.) smile on his face as he looked around for the bathroom.  
He then realized.  
The hideout did not have a bathtub.  
"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
His scream and Carmelita's merged together, as they were somehow so loud they could hear each other.  
"... What th-"  
Carmelita was already there, aiming her shock pistol PUNCH PARALYZING A PACKS WHICH at Bentley. "Freeze."  
Bentley turned into an ice cube.  
Carmelita noticed Sly was there, unconscious, and she too got a sly smile. She picked the dozing raccoon up and marched out with him in her arms. While she walked, she apparently grew two more arms for a moment as she put handcuffs on Sly.  
"Time to get kinky, ringtail." She grinned. She had a bottle of aphrodisiacs at home.  
This was gonna be swell. (LOL GET THIS ONE? Fine, I'll shut up.)  
Suddenly a ton of Octavio's guards surrounded her. "HALT" They all barked simultaneously.  
Octavio came up from the ground in a dramatic effect as they sky grew darker just for him. "Hand over the raccoon."  
"No way, dork! It's my turn to have a sexual scene with him!"  
"Didn't you two already kiss?"  
"H-huh?!"  
Octavio pulled out a script titled 'Master Script of Cooperific Cliffhangers'. "Yes, it says here that in the chapter '17. The Start of a New Adventure', Sly kissed you passionately before running off with his friends."  
"What?!" She pulled out Sly's part of the story script. Said page had been ripped out. The remains of it had been stamped with Bentley's icon. "HHHHHUAAAAAAGHHHH THAT DAMNED TURTLE, NO WONDER I HAD TO SKIP SO MANY LINES" She looked back over at Octavio. "Wait, where did you get that master script?"  
"What master script?" Octavio was now empty handed.  
Carmelita looked at her own hand and saw Sly's script was also gone. She shrugged it off and held Sly in one arm as she used her other to aim her SHOCK PISTOL which packs a paralyzing punch at the guards and Octavio.  
Octavio laughed and clapped.  
"What's so funny?"  
"I'm just so pleased I get to be a villain for more than two chapters."  
"What do you mean?"  
She was shoved and dropped Sly, who was then grabbed by the tail by Octavio. "I think the script said I was the one about to have sexy time with Sly Cooper. Tah-tah!" Octavio flew away.  
"No!"  
Suddenly, Octavio was shot down by an airplane being piloted by Bentley.  
Sly fell and Bentley screamed at Carmelita, "CATCH HIM!"  
She raised a brow and shrugged, unable to hear him. "WHAT?!"  
"CATCH HIM!"  
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"  
Sly smacked his head on a bridge, leaving a bloody mark and his hat behind as he fell into the water.  
Unable to swim _AND_ unconscious **_AND_** suffering from a concussion/bleeding from the head. Fuck yes.  
Bentley landed the plane next to Carmelita. "Catch him!"  
"Oh!" She turned to run off and catch him, and saw the hat on the bridge. "Oh fer God's sake..."  
"Wait.." Bentley lifted the hat and saw the blood. "SLY!"  
Carmelita and Bentley stared into the water, trying desperately to find Sly in the deep canal.


End file.
